Shut up, quarrel or argue?
Family life seems calm and quiet just newlyweds. They have yet to find out how much misunderstanding lies in family relationships, passions boil in the kitchen or in the bedroom. Many families have not developed a program of “peaceful” solutions. Let’s talk about the most common methods of response conflict and decide which is better: to remain silent, to quarrel or argue?
Silent?
Marina, 27 years old, married for six years. Raise a child. Recently, Marina began to worry that their husband fairly often quarrel, which ends in silence. This silence may last several days. The situation at the time the house becomes tense. Marina makes attempts to begin to talk, discuss it, because of what happened a quarrel, but the husband stubbornly silent. Recently, the silence lasted longer than all. What to do in this situation?
Why dear to one another, rather than discuss the problem, stop, and sometimes a long time? There are several reasons.
1. Become personal
In other words, the spouses do not know how different. Maybe someone of them (or both) in the family mom and dad used this way. And the stereotypes introduced by a native family, the most tenacious.
2. Fear of ruin
Most people, knowing that a quarrel may go too far, just silent. This is a protective reaction to prevent their mouth too.
3. The desire to take offense
Pained silence – a child’s reaction, comes from the preschool period. It was then, unable and afraid to answer to parents, we are offended silent and turned away in the hope that they will understand: we demand the comfort and acceptance of our innocence. The same thing we want to show and teammate.
Offended Silence is distinguished from a wise skill to remain silent. Sometimes it is “step on the throat of his own song” and not say anything that has accumulated in respect of a partner. Of course, if you do not intend that this quarrel will be a spectacular finale to your family life. Wise ability to remain silent does not cause multi-day absence of communication, it helps to get out of the conflict with minimal losses. What can be said about an emphatic silence: “I’m so offended (a) that do not want to talk to you.”
Typically, after a period of silence (a few days, weeks) “by” tolerate. They are no longer able to listen to “ringing” the silence. Therefore, when one offers the world, second in relief agrees. Yet they do not affect that problem, which led to a fight! They are afraid to discuss it, as again may quarrel. A problem that remained unclear and remains in the “piggy bank”, which again sooner or later overflow. So offended conspicuous silence – is not an option, but a dead end.
Quarrel?
Karina and Misha consider themselves very temperamental people. This is manifested in high-profile scandals with each other. The reason for the irritation may be any detail: from dirty cups to the situation on Cuba. Karina and Michael believe that shouting at each other is normal and even useful …! “We are the people! Do not keep it all to yourself! Easier for us to become! “- They say. That only time this behavior has resulted in a family, which already had a child, to predrazvodnoy situation …
Some people are so accustomed to react to any stimulus irritation that simply did not understand how to live differently. This pattern, most likely, also was podsmotren in parent family when both parents (or one of them) reacted indignantly shouting at nedosolenny soup, broken cup, evaluation of the diary. And if such potential “trouble-” in the family, two … What is the quarrel?
1. Become personal
Turning to the individual partners are reminiscent of all the bad things they remember about each other. Negative action (or another view on the situation) can be generalized as a trait of character: “You’re irresponsible,” “You’re a bad father,” “You know nothing.”
2. Who’s who?
Partners want to “put pressure” on each other, to impose their point of view, which is perceived as the only correct one.
3. Self-justification
Although both parties think that they solve the problem, but in reality it is not. Internal goals are realized in the quarrel, – increasing their own self-esteem at the expense of another, self-justification, confirmation of his own bad luck.
April. Protecting the attack
In a quarrel, a spouse is attacked, and the second is protected, and then they switch roles. But defending a man quite capable of understanding the views of another! He is looking for excuses for myself, and usually finds them, continuing to blame the partner and hanging tags.
Both partners feel, ultimately, unsatisfied: the problem not solved, and quarreled. Sometimes only one spouse should be such a stereotype of behavior. Then the quarrel – it’s almost a monologue with the smashing of crockery, flapping doors, charges suitcase (or his partner). People accustomed to this style of “communication” is often said that in another way they can. It seems that “everyone understands, but … can not! But is it really? Someone is really hard to resist, especially when it comes to “explosive” choleric. However, they quickly break out, but just as quickly and cool down. But not always the case only in temperament. Sometimes people allow themselves to such behavior, sincerely believing that it is beneficial: irritation spills, rather than build ip. And in this lies the error.
Yes, anger spilled out. But where? On a partner, a loved one? And now he has within the same energy of excitation, which also requires the exit. Is that what you sought? And now a partner, or splash out on all of you, forming a “vicious circle” argument, or hid in itself, undermining their own health. And one, and other options are equally bad. Sometimes, in order to stop responding aggressively to simply understand that this is actually a bad way. We must believe that it is this “Italian” style of solving problems can destroy your relationship. And if you just aspire to it – continue to say that “want to restrain himself, but may not”, and shouting at a partner.
If your goal – to save the relationship, then try to change. Quarrels with the explanation of relationships – is one of the worst options, which does not lead to solving problems, but only perpetuates them. The quarrel, of course, should not see children. For them, an injury – to see that their family is “not together”, besides they can lead an ineffective coping mechanism.
Gagged?
Cyril and Oksana, wife of “experienced”, they say never “clear up”, but only clarify the problem. The family reigns trust and respect, grow calm children. In addition, they have a golden rule – never to discuss serious issues after 21.00, as well as when it is clear that one of the spouses are tired or sick.
So what’s the difference between constructive controversy and quarrel? So the signs of constructive dispute.
1. Partners have respect for each other and give advice;
2. willing to listen to the views of each other;
3. understand that the purpose of the dispute – to solve the problem;
April. speak only about the problem, not being distracted by the discussion of personal qualities of each other. If the problem affects just manifestations of nature, the partners say no “You – poor” and “You did bad, that does not affect the dignity and gives the field for correction;
5. provided that all rules, both partners feel satisfied, this position “won – won”.
To argue thus is possible even in the presence of children, it teaches them to solve problems in a civilized manner. And, of course, even the constructive debate is not worth starting, if you or your partner feels tired, sick. In this state, we are worse than the control itself and can “break” in the quarrel. Even if you both come home just after 22.00, learn to argue the cultural! This may require more self-control, but it’s worth it.
To learn how to argue constructively, to this study. Like many others, the ability to solve problems this way – it is a social skill, impossible without the training. So – argue, but do not let quarrels!
Non-standard approach
If you understand that the dispute into an argument, you can use several non-standard techniques that help get out of a quarrel with minimal losses. The main thing – it is in the heat of an argument to recall that the possible methods for coping with it.
1. Against third
You might remember as a child your parents quarrel, but when you approach them, they were the unanimous dissatisfaction with you? That is the method of “guilty of the third. You can use this method, but not against children. Try to raise a quarrel about some mutual acquaintances, for which you are both unanimous and negative mood. You will see that your dissatisfaction with each other will be much less!
2. More humor!
Try to laugh a partner, even if you do not to laugh. Someone is trying to express emotions pantomime, someone remembers “the place of” anecdote, but someone does something absurdly unexpected, but funny. If you laughed together, dissatisfaction with each other will decrease.
3. Mail
This method is for those who quarreled seriously. Sometimes that’s hard to say out loud, you can write. Well, if this letter, written in pen on paper. But in extreme cases will approach and an e-mail (although its value is much less). If you decide to write such a letter, consider it. Talk about your feelings, try to accusations partner was as little as possible. Be sure to finish the letter optimistic.
From adversaries to partners
Row – a reciprocal process. Admit your mistakes and ask forgiveness. Unfortunately, many people there is a stereotype that, apologizing, they lose their dignity. In fact, people who know how to apologize and admit his mistakes, cause a feeling of respect, because it suggests that people are thinking and bold. Your apology can help both partners recognize their mistake – because it no longer charged, and therefore do not need to defend.
