Four stages of love
Let’s talk about bread and sore – about love. Psychologists impassively laboratory preparations is a magical feeling , laid it on the shelves and destroyed our with your stereotypes and expectations .
So, love , great , ethereal, inexplicable and inspiring – lasts for a year, not three, not ten, as naively believed dilettantes . Its time … 20-30 seconds .
There are four stages of romantic relationships.
First – the stage of love.
This condition , when our ego , sense of self- importance, it dissolves . For example , I walk down the street and see a beautiful stranger , its beauty captivates me, and I like to disappear into it without a trace . Everything I do , there is only he, and we with him – one. This state of total integrity , when there are no expectations. For me at this moment it does not matter , one of the stranger or his wife or girlfriend. I fully dissolved in it and not remember anything about himself.
Here it is , Love with a capital letter !
Ruthless psychologists argue that this condition usually lasts from several seconds to several days . And occasionally it may be delayed for years , but – with the full inaccessibility of the object of love. For example , such may be the love of any movie star. It is such a thing as love to the beautiful Lady Knights in the era of the troubadours, because the object of passion was mostly unavailable. Healers of souls have asked us to immediately leave these books illusion and not wait for this love from their partners .
The second stage – the stage of ownership .
The essence of this state – ” to have . At this stage two people go immediately after they met , because as soon as there was contact , immediately arise mutual expectations , what is sometimes known as the words ” faith “and “hope ” . The formula of these expectations -conditions is quite simple : “If you will meet my expectations, I will love you again . ” Since we are talking about property relations , the first and most important expectation – people will belong only to me. Psychologists offer a return for a moment in the school years and imagine the class. We enter and sit down at a certain desk , we obtain a black pen and large letters, displaying his initials on it , telling everyone: “Now it’s my party ! ” And only mine! ”
Compare this state with a state of love, as described above . Among them – a tremendous difference .
Love is in the second stage is possible if the object is fully consistent with expectations, it is almost impossible , and therefore at this stage are common frustration and jealousy. And, of course , insults . (By the way , what is ” wrong “? Psychologists say that is a condition where a person does not express openly their dissatisfaction , believing that the object itself must all understand .)
How long stage property ? From a few seconds to tens of years . By the way, for this stage is characterized by another statement : ” I’m without you can not ! ” Indeed, the bad without desks with personal initials …
The third stage – stage of manipulation .
At this stage steam passes when one partner is aware of the mission , the sphere in which they both are. Mission – this sense that, for what they ” met ” . The family is raising a child in the social sphere – mutual aid and support , implementation needs to communicate. So , one partner is aware of the mission , while the second can not. In this case, the first begins to forcibly manipulate others . For example, my wife knows that her husband of her “walking “. At the previous stage , she rolled scandals, was jealous because her husband did not meet its expectations and did not want to be only her property . Finally, she realized that , in the end , they are family , live together for the sake of children, and that their education is the meaning of relationship here and now. Alas , my husband is not aware of this . What can we do it ? For the sake of the family , she begins to pretend that everything is normal , she did not notice ” of his long absence or smell strange perfume on his shirt … About these women usually say that they are wise. And this is true.
As soon as the partners move to this stage , the number of scandals dramatically decreases the life of the family to normal.
Although, unfortunately , this appeasement is based on a forced lie.
The fourth stage – the stage of cooperation.
Now the second partner to realize the mission of relations . So , no need for manipulation. There is a possibility of direct and sincere relations , the expression of genuine feelings.
At this stage there is a clear division of roles and have a common goal ( raising children , getting sexual pleasure , help each other – depending on the scope ) . You may have seen those couples , where two people live together , bring up , for example , a child , but both have open sexual relationships on the side . Psychologists say that it is not queer , but people who have reached the highest point in their relationship and being in this happiness. No jealousy at this stage no longer exists, so
there is no sense of ownership. Link partners based on sincerity and understanding , each of them seems to be saying : ” I can live without you , but I’m not comfortable . ”
As history shows , these couples – the strongest , and their relationship – the longest .
The vast majority of couples (90 percent ) in their entire life together does not go beyond the stage of ownership. 7 percent of couples reaching the third stage , and only a fraction of pairs gets to the stage of cooperation .
Why ? Experts assure that we interfere with their own attitudes , beliefs , and beliefs , and simply the absence of basic psychological education . And the offer , looking for a positive Western experience , to apply to family psychology. After all, if we have a headache , we do not tolerate , and take the medicine. So why do not we take the same care to his soul and his love , puzzled psychologists .
